We live in an incredibly competitive society and many of us are overachieving women. In fact, we live our lives in a cycle of creating goals and pouring all our energy into attaining them. ?
Then, instead of experiencing the euphoria associated with achieving a goal, what we’re most familiar with is a sense of relief at dodging the bullet as we move our focus to our next goal.
We even know that we have become our own worst enemy.
That the things we’d forgive in others, we can’t forgive in ourselves. We hold ourselves up to a much higher standard than what we expect from others. We forget that we are human and that we make mistakes, and then we berate ourselves harshly.
And we simply do not know how to stop.
I recently read an article by Dr. Kristin Neff , who has dedicated her life to helping people to find more effective ways of relating to themselves.
She purports that self-compassion is the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem.
Her research has shown that the nurturing quality of self-compassion allows us to flourish, to appreciate the beauty and richness of life, even in hard times.
She has done convincing analysis that proves that when we learn how to soothe our agitated minds with self-compassion, we’re better able to notice what’s right as well as what’s wrong, so that we can orient ourselves toward that which gives us joy.
She outlines three steps to take in the pursuit of self-compassion.
The first step is self-kindness. This means committing to being gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental.
The second step is to recognise, for once and for all, our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering.
The final step is mindfulness. This means that we pledge ourselves to hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it.
She advocates that we achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.
I remember talking to a good friend of mine recently over a cup of coffee. We were talking about the journey we are on.
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and shook her head, “Are you actually trying to say that it’s ok to have compassion for yourself when you mess up or are going through a really hard time? I don’t know” she continued “ . . . if I’m too self-compassionate, won’t I just be lazy and selfish?”
If you really think about it, are we really making ourselves better people by beating ourselves up all the time?
I think that all we achieve by doing this is making ourselves feel inadequate and insecure and then take our frustration out on the people closest to us.
According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion steps in precisely where self-esteem lets us down—whenever we fail or feel inadequate.
Remember that our quest is a journey, not a destination.
It requires of us that we commit to daily rituals in our lives to break the self-criticizing habits of a lifetime.
Sometimes these practices seem inane – but collectively they allow us space to relax, allow life to be as it is, and open our hearts to ourselves.
Let's exercise self-compassion.
Commit to this - and it could change your life.
Just for today.
