The Dark Passenger

I really have a penchant for the TV series, Dexter. 

I relate to him.

No, not in a homicidal way. 

Promise. 

What I relate to is his concept of what he calls his “dark passenger.”

My dark passenger is my negative self-talk.

My evil twin.

My wicked wolf.

And when she's driving, I feel sad, half sick with fear.

When we accept our dark passenger, we can deal with it.

Let's not be ashamed of our dark passenger. 

Let's acknowledge it.

But let's commit ourselves to not letting it win.

Just for today.

You are not a secretary

Something I have noticed that the twins really get their knickers in a knot about is something that dwells in that blurry zone of confusion between what we do and who we actually are as a person.

That’s because there is a very strong tendency to identify ourselves with our primary activities in life.

Sure, what we do in life usually consumes a huge portion of our time and focus.

What we do, however, is only one expression of who we are; it’s not the complete picture. Not even close!

We have been brought up in a culture that defines people by what they do for a living. 

As children we are asked by well-meaning relatives and friends, “So, little possum, what are you going to be when you grow up?” 

Our accomplishment oriented, acquisition oriented, material world has seduced us into believing that our identity could be bought either through deeds or things.  Or at least our evil twin would have us believe that.

Be honest with yourself – has anyone ever said to you “Jenny, yes Jenny. I remember her. She took such BRILLIANT minutes at a meeting I went to in 2003.” Or “Kathy? Oh Kathy!!!! Boy could that girl write a business plan/boil an egg/knit a scarf!”

You are not what you do for a living. 

You are not a secretary. 

You are not a marketing manager. 

You are not a boiler-maker.

You are a spirit having a human experience.

Once we realise this, no one can take our identity away from us.

Just for today.

Recalculating

Today I am having one of THOSE days, and it got me thinking about this healing journey we are on.

It got me to take "time out" to remind myself that there is no  place called "destination happiness". No little town we can move into where all our difficulties disappear.

No, managing our evil twin is an on-going activity. An activity that, at times, will be easy, at other times very difficult. And, at other times still, we will simply just crash.

Those crash days. Yours could be about money or looks or relationships or work or all of the above.

Today I want to tell you that these days are not failures. 

They are hard, yes. But  - no one said that civil war would be easy. Our wolves are having a stand-off. The evil twin is flexing its muscles.

Remember, no matter how hard we work on this, we are creatures of light and dark. Light does not exist without dark. 

The trick is to be kind to yourself, and just do your best, at all times remembering that your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you feel strong, as opposed to when you feel vulnerable. 

This is OK, ok ? 

Let's do some recalculating.

Take a moment and look the dark wolf right in the eyes. Identify the self defeating core foundational belief you are having about yourself and ask yourself the following questions :

1. Is this thought helpful in empowering me ?
2. Is this belief kind to myself ?
3. Is there an affirmation I can create that, theoretically, would render the belief to be impotent ?

Write the affirmation down.  

Now feed your light wolf : Say it over and over to yourself. 

Tell it to your evil twin. 

Remind yourself that the wolf that wins, is the one you feed.

Do it.

Just for today.

Damned,Dastardly Doppelganger

There is an old Cherokee Indian Fable that really has helped me understand negative self-talk.  It has helped me to come to see my negative self-talk as my evil twin – a sadistic doppelganger who uses my own mind against me.

The story goes something like this:
One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. 

He said, “My child, there is a battle between two ‘wolves’ that rages inside us all. One is evil - it is anger, envy, jealousy, greed, arrogance and negative self-talk. The other is good - it is peace, love, hope, humility, compassion, faith and self-love.

The young boy pondered the story for a moment and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”



To which the old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

It's usually the wolf that we feed the most that tends to determine the quality of our life.  So, don’t let the evil twin win. Feed your positive thinking.

Just for today.

Fanks, ek se !

Learn to be thankful for what you have. When you take stock of the bounty in your life, you create more of it. As Meister Eckhart, the German theologian, once said, “If the only prayer you ever said in your whole life was ‘Thank you’, that would suffice.”

'Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.'
-Melody Beady

A gratitude journal is such a fab tool for our journey. It helps with the creation of positive thinking by writing our gratitude down – also so we have “proof” for those days that our evil twin  allows us to think only unkindly about our lives and ourselves.

So, just for today, nurture your creativity and create a daily gratitude journal.

I have a beautiful blank book and each night before I go to bed, I write down five things that I can be grateful about that day.

Some days my list will be filled with special things, most days just simple things: My dogs wagged wildly when they saw me today, a friend made me laugh on Facebook, I fed the birds today and it made me happy, my partner made me coffee in bed.

Just for today.

“If you were to get rid of everything you hated, what would be left?”

Marie Claire South Africa, in its annual body issue, asked six advertising agencies to design posters that challenge our perceptions on what the perfect body is. "What is it going to take for you to love your body?” writes editor Aspasia Karras. 

When next you have a bought of negative self-talk, look at  these campaigns - and be kind to yourself.

Just for today. 

“You wish you had Stephanie’s skin, and Stephanie wishes she had Tasj’s boobs, and Tasj wishes she had Cassie’s legs, and Cassie wishes she had Emma’s eyes, and Emma wishes she had Dineo’s hair, and Dineo wishes she had Tam’s ass, and Tam wishes she had Naomi’s body, and Naomi wishes she had Tina’s thighs, and Tina wishes she had Zwe’s stomach, and Zwe wishes she had Alex’s mouth, and Alex would kill to have your freckles. Love what you got.” (King James)

“When will you stop worrying about your appearance? Love the body you live in.” (M&C Saatchi)

“If you were to get rid of everything you hated, what would be left?” (The Jupiter Drawing Room)

Add crow’s feet for watching kids soccer matches. Add freckles from long lazy days on Clifton. Add laugh lines from girls nights out. Add scar from first dog Roxy. Add centimetres from winter night hot chocolates and box set DVDs. Add caesarean scar from your first born son. Add tan line from wedding ring. Add cellulite from your favourite heavenly chocolate brownies. Add scar from climbing a tree in the back yard. Add blisters from your favourite pair of Jimmy Choos. Love the body you’re in.” (Canvas Lifestyle)

Be aware of the CIRCUS

How long are we going to make our participation in life conditional on the mores of the social circus we all subscribe too ?

Whatever your negative self-talk is telling you ; This rich, this smart, this beautiful. Really ???

You are not just meat ! You are a spirit having a human experience.

Let's realise that it's a sick joke we play on ourselves.

Just for today.

 

Look at this diagram and what it is trying to tell us.

Positive thinking is the most important key to happiness.

So manage your negative self talk. 

Just for today.

Just for today

Hello everyone

Don't know if you have picked up this months OPRAH magazine yet - but it has a great article that I found a worthy read, and definitely food for thought when we look at our behaviour patterns, what they mean, and what they result in

Happy week-end to you all.

Remember : Negative self talk is a powerful enemy...don't let your guard down and let it win ! 

Just for today ! 

 

Martha Beck : How to Start Taking Care of Yourself

Do you focus on other people’s problems to avoid your own? And do you feel you have to do it all when you can delegate the work? Martha Beck shares how to cope better in these situations – and take care of yourself.

If you fall into one of the three categories below, Martha Beck has advice on how to move away from harmful behavioural patterns and towards your best life ...

Hormonal Helpfulness

All women secrete oxytocin under pressure – and it often creates the “tend-and-befriend” response, which urges women to support and comfort others.

The Fix: Turning Helper Hormones on Yourself

If you’re a hormonal over-helper, schedule a foot rub, lure your mate into bed or pet the cat until it purrs in your lap. Get touched. Be especially diligent about this in times of stress. Over-helpers may offer assistance to get a “fix” when they themselves need comfort. This is a quick trick to exhaustion and resentment. The next time you’re upset, instead of focusing on trying to help others, pat your own hand to make yourself feel better. The more you place your full attention on giving yourself comfort, the less you’ll help others who don’t want it.

Avoidance Assistance

“I’m dying to start my own business,” says Susan, a 30-something homemaker, “but I’m too busy pitching in with my sister’s and my husband’s lives. I never get a minute to myself.” This makes Susan’s loved ones grind their teeth to the gums. They experience her constant support as intrusive.

Susan focused on other people’s problems to avoid the scary prospect of following personal dreams. Author Julia Cameron uses the term “shadow artist” to refer to someone who lurks on the fringes of achievement, helping others attain what they want for themselves.

The Fix: Connect with Anger

Avoidance assisters rarely admit to being angry – just worn-out and disappointed. But anger is a healthy response to over-helping at the cost of your own dreams, so give your frustrations a voice. Fill in the blanks below with words that come to mind.

“I’m tired of helping ––––– [name]. If I never had to worry about him or her again, I’d have time to –––.”

Now take half an hour off from assisting others, and spend the time working on the thing you supposedly never have time for. If you’re an avoidance assister, this may feel terrifying. Get used to it. Taking your own risks and creating your best destiny is always scary, but both you and others will benefit if you pour your helpful energy into your own life.

Messiah Madness

Every night, Ivan gives his girlfriend the same speech. “I practically have to run the whole office by myself,” he complains. When his girlfriend suggests delegating work, he ignores her. He believes the moment he stops helping is the moment he stops mattering. The only problem is that his assistance comes off as arrogance. To ensure that he’ll always be needed, Ivan criticises his colleagues mercilessly. Their work is never good enough until he’s “fixed” it. He thinks they depend on him.

The Fix: Give Support, Not Help

There’s a big difference between help and support. Help tells the recipient, “You’re needy and weak – I’m needy and strong.” It forces others into a supplicant’s position, while the helper gets to play hero. If you really want to serve others, stop doing things you resent and say something like this: “You know, Bob, I’m positive you’ll figure out a way to solve your problem. You can do it! I’m right here, cheering!”

Say this to yourself, right now, and you’ll feel that even as self-talk, it’s empowering. Offer that same encouragement to others.

Nurture yourself and support others without assuming responsibility you resent and feel your energy switch from “Eek!” to “Aah!” You’ll become a content, self-contained source of personal well-being, a model who shows others how they can achieve the same state. And that’s the kind of help that really never hurts.

Nothing compares to you

Grrrrrr...

Anne has a much better body than I do.

Mary earns triple of what I earn. 

Elizabeth has a bigger house and a far nicer car than I do. 

Fiona is far smarter than what I am.

Lerato has a much better career than mine.

You can see how comparing ourselves to others might impact our feelings about ourselves. 

I know it’s tough, but we need to constantly remind ourselves to stop comparing ourselves to others. 

These comparisons are unfair because you don’t know as much as you think you do about these other people’s lives, or what it’s really like to be them. 

You think it’s better, but it may be 100 times worse than you can imagine. (For instance, Anne may have bulimia; Mary may work such long hours that she has no life out of her career; Elizabeth is in a loveless marriage that only appears to be ideal etc) 

The only person we should be competing against is ourselves.

Why compare yourself with others? 

No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.

Let's stop comparing ourselves to others.

Just for today.